Good evening everybody, I trust you are all as well as can be expected as the Nation goes into meltdown on account of 3 inches of snow….in Winter too ! Who would have thought it eh ?
Anyway, those kind people who follow @Floydsdad on Twitter may recall I made mention yesterday of a 'confession', and true to my word, I shall open up a dark secret here today, which hopefully won't scare you all away.
You will have worked out by now that for coming up to a year now, I have been fighting the good fight that all Dads in a house full of women have to fight. Namely, how to persuade your two teenage daughters that their skirts are too short, their skin is too Orange, they can't keep dying their hair, they are wearing too much make-up, studying is good, reality TV is bad, they use their mobiles too much, talking to each other is not a crime, vegetables won't kill you, oven chips will, a dog can't be trusted to walk itself etc etc.
You will have also worked out by now, that I have failed miserably. Generally speaking when I compose a structured well balanced argument to discuss at the the dinner table, it is greeted with three sets of rolling eyes,(from the ladies), a murmur of the usual phrase,'Geek',(again from at least one of the ladies), and the clip clop of Floyd's feet as he gives up his table-side 'Throw me a Morsel' vigil, and retires with a sigh to his basket to leave me to fend off a chorus of 'the world's not like that anymore' and other such pearls of wisdom.
And so it would seem that yesterday I finally reached the point where subconciously I gave in to the relentless pressure. And so here my friends is my confession. Yesterday, I sat down to my lunch, and like every other Saturday, I reached for the remote to select either a Rick Stein, or a Football Focus, and then, without any real thought process clicked on the Sky+ planner, and watched 'Take That – The Progress Tour, live from Manchester'. I'll give you all a minute to mop up the drink you may have just spat out.(Actually, don't put the cloth away just yet), I actually enjoyed it, and even watched one of the songs twice.
After around twenty minutes, the enormity of the moment kicked in, I slowly lowered my knife and fork, gently switched over to the Good Food Channel and slumped back onto the sofa, staring into the distance in the knowledge that I had given in. I was a broken man, and as Gary Rhodes waffled on ridiculously about something 'happening' and 'going on' as he made a pan of gravy, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Anyways, I woke up about an hour later and I was like 'O. M. G. look at the time!', I had like well slept too long. I knew Mrs FD was due to finish in two hours, so I didn't have time to watch TOWIE from Tuesday.Not only that I was booked in with Shazny at the salon for a 'full monty' at 1pm. I washed up, but just dipped my fingertips in the water coz I didn't want to wash the St.Tropez off too soon, you have to like give it 4 hours or it doesn't go proper dark. I was ready to get it in the neck from the eldest, coz I had used the last of it, and she was off to a party.
To be honest I was well jel at first coz I wasn't going, but then I remembered my totes fave programme was on later, 'Take Me Out' with the well funny Paddy MacGuiness.We had some friends coming round for tea so the night's viewing was sorted.To be fair last nights show was one of the better ones. The girls looked well pretty for a change, and that dippy one from Wigan was even funnier than usual. I just totes love her quick wit and her make-up was like dreem gorge.
Like I say, the eldest was going to a 16th birthday party, so we had bought her a bottle of Archers to take, well, it is lush innit ? Her and her mate took an age to get ready, but it was well worth it. We drew the line at a fajazzle,(although they are 16 so maybe next time!). She could hardly walk in her heels, and I was like sayin to her that it was totes slippy and freezin out so the short skirt,and the see- through top wouldn't be warm enough. To be fair she had a point coz she said she'd probably be hammered when she was walking back ! Hey, you're only young once !
I even put a picture on my Facebook and Twitter coz they looked proper stunning. I said she'd done a really good job with the false eyelashes, and the hair extensions, and to be fair to her, she was right when she said the deep mahoganny tan wasn't too fake looking. Kids do know best though don't they! They booked a taxi for 11.30 to bring them back so all was sweet, and they weren't that tanked when they got back, I told them to hit it big style and have a proper party, so I was like 'No Way!' when they came back and could still talk,(even if the words that came out didn't make much sense!)
Me and Mrs FD got totes wasted on Mojitos and Lambrini once our guests had gone, I like had to totally put her to bed, and I was that bad the youngest had to get a blanket and tuck me up on the couch…. sweet. I whacked on 'Party Paramedics' you know the one where all the kids go to Malia or somwhere else in Spain and get off their faces for a week, (I will be totally well jel when ours go next year!).
I was a bit groggy I don't mind telling you when I fell off the couch this morning. I quaffed the dregs of the last Mojito, and had a bowl of Mallow Fluff and some Midget Gems for breakfast. Then it was time to take Floyd out. I love walking the dog, and I think it's only right that it should be me who walks him all the time, coz the girls are tied up doing their rollers and it wouldn't be fair to ask them to share the burden. Floyd was like OMG when he saw the snow, untouched, and he bounded off, it was totally cool. I must admit I was a little confused when he came back over the hill, he had shrunk, and had a neckerchief on, he was yapping as he came running back, tail wagging, weaving in and out of my feet. It was then that I noticed my Merrels had turned into a pair of shiny red shoes, and the mist was closing in. This old geezer walked past and started going on about there being 'no place like home ….. no place like home ….. no place like home…'.
I couldnt resist the overwhelming urge to tap my heels together three times, and the rest…. well you can imagine!
I think I have just about regained my sense of normality after that episode. I hope you don't think for one minute any of that happened… (well ok, the Take That bit was actually true!). Everyone is very quiet at Floyd Towers today, I am putting it down to playing out in the snow, fresh air makes you sleepy apparently.
Anyway I would love to stay a while and chat, but I need to go for a cool shower, and grab the E45 cream out of the fridge…. If anyone tells you a back sack and crack doesn't hurt, they are lying ! OMG !
Laters ! FD :@)