Because my friends, I am just about reaching the point where I become 'Famous'…. I will expand shortly.

Firstly, apologies for the delay. For technical reasons, there very nearly wasn't a 'blog' today. You see, technically speaking it was an error to post a 'tale' on Thursday, or whenever it was, as it left me with nothing to rant about tonight.

... Floyd didn't understand the command "Get Out"!...

It's been a barren weekend Chez Floyd on account of the fact that the youngest slept out, and the eldest had a sleepover here. That cessation of hostilities meant there was only Floyd left to cause me any stress, and he wouldn't do that to me !

... Anyone got a spare Wax trap ??...

So inappropriate Scooby Snacks aside, I was struggling, until the youngest returned home. In her hand she was clutching a new book, ten pounds worth of glossy hardback. actually I suspect it isn't 'worth' £10 at all, but that's just my humble opinion.

...WHO ???...

And so the seed was sown, and I had to go and search out more examples of ridiculous autobiographies by people who didn't deserve to have one !

First up, X-Factor winner, Matt Cardle, with 'My Story' , I haven't read it but imagine it goes along the lines of….

"Once upon a time, I won X-Factor. The End'

I mean, come on ! I remember being engrossed in Nelson Mandela's book, it was pure quality, but a pub singer…. it's just wrong. That ice skating show threw another one up, Chloe Madley, classified as a 'celebrity' because she was the daughter of  'Richard and Judy'.

As I understand it, people write their autobiographies when they have actually done something in life. It would appear that now that isn't a pre-requisite. More annoying are the writers of the 'multiple' autobiographies

..You Beauty !...

.

Get this, Kerry Katona seems to have crammed so much into her life, what with Bi-polar, 150 piece party platters and dodgy car salesmen, that she has already had two autobiographies. I need a drink ! Better still, when I 'Googled' Katie Jordan or whatever she is called, get this ! ….'Being Jordan' ,'Standing Out' , 'Pushed to the Limit', and 'A Whole New World'. Four, yes four 'autobiographies'!  Hell's Teeth ! If there is any man out there who needs four books to learn that Jordan would come bottom of any list of  'suitable wife material' then he deserves what he gets.

So based on these facts, I must by now be famous. I have hit double figures on this blog, ( posts, not followers obviously!), I have revamped my Twooter account, and am being followed by amongst others Tony Gubba, (which not only makes me more famous than Chloe Madely, but also means I will have the advantage of knowing the names of all the skating moves when I start training!) I admit I have done very little with my life of any worldwide note, and that fact alone puts me streets ahead of  Katona and Price, (if slightly less photogenic).

...Sweet Jesus .. NO !...

 I could rant on about this, and I am sure if  I spent a little more time I could list a dozen more 'celebs' unworthy of going into print. But to be honest I haven't got the time. I am already up to Chapter 6  of  'My Life in Compost' … a rip-roaring, roller-coaster of a read to be published in seven leather-bound volumes . I have pencilled in a book signing in the summer, at Lever's Chippy in town. I just have to make sure the dates don't clash with the release of the new single!

Pass me a Witchety Grub !!